The challenge for parents is that they are often coming to this discussion at a time of loss and bereavement. They are asking the harder questions: How do children experience grief? How do I help my child cope with this loss? and How do I do this when I myself am struggling?
Above all, children need to know "this is not your fault" and "you will be cared for". If Illness is the cause of death make sure that children know "you cannot catch this" and "you could not to cure this".
These points need to be repeated.
Children are astute observers and will take their cues from watching adults grieve. Do not hide your tears. Do talk about how joy and grief, laughter and tears surprise us with the ways in which they mix. Children need to know that grief is normal and natural, and that for each of us grief is unique. Grief is a process that takes as long as it takes. We need to make ourselves available to children and to validate their feelings and allow them to express their feelings. By doing so we legitimize their grief experience. We need to answer their questions honestly and teach them how to live with life-changing loss.
It is important to know that children often show their grief through their play, their interactions and their behaviour rather than talking about their grief directly. Children grieve in spurts and can only tolerate shorter periods of emotional distress.
Children may not appear to be visibly grieving, possibly because they don't fully understand the implications of a death, or because they do not wish to upset anyone. Keep the conversation going. As children reach their next developmental milestone they may revisit the death and their comprehension and reactions will be different. This process may continue for years.
Should children attend funerals?
Yes.
Unless you think something is going to go terribly wrong. It is important for children to feel included. Being excluded makes the funeral seem mysterious and taboo. Children's imaginations fill in the blanks. Take the time to prepare children for a funeral or memorial by giving them concrete details about what to expect. Even better, perhaps there is a way for children to participate - by drawing a picture to display, by distributing programs, by reading a poem. Ask them what they might like to do. One child may wish to write and deliver a eulogy, another child might prefer to sit quietly.
Especially for young children it can be helpful to pair them with a "funeral buddy". This is a person they know and like, a person who does not need to be present for the entire event. Using a predetermined signal the child can indicate to their buddy when they need a break and the two can quietly remove themselves as needed.
The best thing we can do for children is to prepare them for what is about to happen. Some deaths come as a complete shock but in other situations we can see what is coming. Speak with children about what to expect. Give them details that will help them to participate. We cannot change the fact that someone is going to die but we can significantly influence how our children experience their grief story. Preparation is the best way to ensure a healthy grief story. Open, honest communication is the best way not to drive a child's grief underground.
