Praise, Evaluation, Encouragement - What's the Difference?

As parents, caregivers and educators it is important that we give attention to positive behaviour and not just to poor behaviour. We need to notice and praise children for their positive actions, intentions and choices - things over which they have some control. By noticing their efforts we are motivating them to keep trying.

The use of positive description and meaningful praise is a powerful motivator.

“thank you for sitting quietly while I drive - it helps me to concentrate and keeps us safe. “

“you are being very gentle with the cat - she is purring to tell you she likes it”

“that took longer than I thought it would - thank you for waiting so patiently”

“great job remembering to empty your lunch bag after school today”

“You remembered to use your words - that helps me to understand how you’re feeling”

“Wow, you stuck with being a good sport even when that other player was rough with you”

But note - this type of praise is quite different from evaluation. 

We may tell a child “you are beautiful” – and what a lovely thing to hear from a parent - but if we want to influence our child’s behaviour we need to be on the lookout for the behaviours we want to reinforce. We want to be telling our children that we notice their efforts.

Praise works best when you describe a specific behaviour and then elaborate using the details you have observed.

There is a big difference between meaningful praise and evaluation. Here are some evaluations. They are meant to be kind, and are often glowing remarks, but they are also our judgements. They are general in nature. They provide no evidence. Examples of evaluations include:

You’re so smart.

You're the quiet one

What a good boy.

You're tough!

How striking that the automatic response to evaluation is not necessarily to feel good. Often the response to an evaluation is self-doubt or denial - either in the moment, or later when faced with a challenging experience. Evaluations can lead to tricky thoughts and misinterpretations.

"Everyone used to tell me I was beautiful but now they've stopped. It must no longer be true."

"I'm really angry but that's not allowed because I'm supposed to be the good one."

"I thought I was smart but I just got a bad mark – I must not be so smart OR people were lying to me OR they don't know what they're talking about."

"I don't know how to do this - I must be stupid"

We also know that children will choose to avoid trying something that would cast them in a poor light and jeopardize the status conveyed by the evaluation.

New York Magazine article How Not to Talk to Your Kids by Po Bronson is a wonderful article on the perils of evaluating our children.

Instead, if we praise concrete actions “you keep trying even when questions are tough” or “I like that you are resourceful in looking for an answer when you don’t know something”, we're offering keys to success. These are statements that can be internalized and acted upon  - “It was a tough test but I didn’t give up.”

It feels good to have your efforts noticed and complimented. Children will choose to repeat what feels good.  

How do meaningful praise and evaluation differ from encouragement?

Some parents are described as helicopters – always hovering over the child and protecting them from any bad feelings or challenges. Other parents are described as snowplows – they go ahead of their child into all situations clearing an easy path for them to follow, making sure there are no bumps along the way. But children learn and develop their skills and their confidence when they are faced with new challenges and tough choices. Overcoming manageable adversity builds ability and the desire to persevere. We do our children a disservice when we take away their opportunities to learn and grow.

As teachers, we show our children how to do something, we then do it together, we then offer a chance for the child to try it alone and finally we create opportunities for practice.

If we have given our children needed information and teach them basic skills then they may simply need our encouragement for new challenges and tougher situations.

When we encourage our children we offer them support. We are conveying that we believe in them. Encouragement is inspiring and soothing and conveys strength, courage, confidence. Children welcome encouragement when they are facing choices or hurdles, before an action or an effort is required.

I believe in you

I know you can do it

I know you can handle this

I trust you

You’ve got this

I am here to help if you need it

Encouragement helps when we’re feeling uncertain or doubtful. We are reminded that someone else believes in our abilities.

Meaningful and descriptive praise is motivating and provides guidance. Children feel seen and heard and internalize ideas for how to persevere.

Encouragement is an offer of support and affirms the relationship. Children are reminded that they are not alone. The message is: everyone feels doubt but you can push through.

Positive evaluation is generally well-meant but provides neither guidance nor motivation for improvement, instead it’s a label. When there is a conflicting experience children experience cognitive dissonance, which can be confusing and upsetting.